I could hear the night spell its darkness, sited on top of my bed in shallow thought. I was busy trying to pull myself out of this hole my mind had pulled me into. I don’t know if you’ve found yourself at this place before, but this is where I was; at that place of feeling so inadequate and insufficient in the things of life. Truth is, I had very few reasons to believe this ‘not being enough theory,’ but my mind seems to have turned against me. How is that even possible? Well, allow me to explain.
Some days you don’t need the help of someone else to demean yourself, to tell you how worthless you are, to remind you of all your shortcomings. To make you feel sorry for who you are, or who you are not. Some days this 2nd party tasked with all this is your mind. So you sit there, listening to all the reasons why you’ll never really make it in life. The mind starts to preach to you the gospel of reality, singing to you the song of how economy and stuff will not allow you to be the success you promised yourself you’d be. That’s not the end of it. We can’t forget that part where the mind will show you your friends. How totally unlike them you are, lying to you about how they don’t care about you or, convincing you about how they don’t deserve you or on the contrary how you don’t deserve them. It goes on and on and on. I’m sure you relate.
For me, it’s really not much of a problem being demoralized by people. That for me is pretty normal. My problem is this self-destruct mode. When it’s all in my mind.
On this particular night, I put on my laptop and typed down few words to my Maker. I finished with a whole lot of tears having been wiped away, so that I could see the screen clearly enough. I finished and saved it under the folder ‘Letters to God’. I do this often, because as you will see, through the words I write to God, I end up reading it when I am done and I find the answers to my situation in those same words. It is my form of praying because I speak to God and somehow He speaks back to me. Writing is a gift to me, it is my therapy.
In this prayer, you will find the mistakes most of us are making. You will come across a couple of reasons why we find ourselves dry, our souls wanting, our hearts aching and our minds racing. It is okay to slow down, take some time off and return God at that place where He is supposed to be, and get rid of every single thing that has attempted to replace Him.
“24th April 2016
I know you said it. I’m created in your image, but it doesn’t feel like it today. It just doesn’t. There are many reasons why I feel like I’m not enough; for my friends, my family, my self and even you.
I’m here feeling so proud of myself, thinking about how everyone I have helped out owes me a favor until I remember that if I receive my reward from man, that is all the reward I need. I forfeit the reward that comes from you. “Tenda wema nenda zako(Do good and go your way),”they say. I won’t lie, it is getting harder to this by the day.
Oh, the number of times I have given up on you. Left you on the sidewalk; thinking that my journey is better off without you, only to get stranded along the way and then I look up to look for you, only to realize that you never left my side.These past two months, my time with you has been a mess. Here I am involving myself in ministry so much that I forget to take time off to allow you to minister to me at a personal level. I diligently love on other people, so much that I forget to love you first. I barely have any love left for myself.
Look at me treating you as a means towards a desired end yet I have learnt on several occasions that the man who seeks you as a means towards an end will never find you. He will never fully experience you for who you are.Lately I have longed for other people’s lives based on pictures and wealth and opportunities they have that I am yet to receive. How have I forgotten that you have put me where you want me to be? How have I failed to remember that when I have you, I have everything I need?
LORD, I’m sorry. Tame my thoughts. Occupy my mind until every thought I think is directed towards you.
Take hold of my tongue, write my words, form my sentences, such that everything I say is built on you. Help me build a better me in you.”
The Psalmist says in Chapter 73:25
‘Whom have I in heaven but thee? And there is none on earth I desire besides thee.’
May we long for the Giver more than we long for the giving. May we long for the Healer, more than we do the healing. May we put God at that place in our lives, where He should be. God is not found accidentally. He is there; He exists, but will only be found by the one who puts his mind and heart into seeking Him.
There are those times that we cave in; typically because we entertain the thoughts that tell us we aren’t enough. It is one thing to have these thoughts (which is normal) but it is another thing to encourage these thoughts, giving them a place in your heart and allowing them to bring you down. Remember that quote that says “You were God’s creation before you were anybody’s opinion”?
Yes! You were His, long before you were even your own. Not even your personal thoughts and opinions about yourself should be considered of higher value than what God actually says about you. We should love God, because He is God.
Picture Credits: IG @lilboybee