It is 11:11pm. Am rushing to finish conversations on my WhatsApp. I am having an early morning tomorrow. I cannot really finish these incoming texts. Am having conversations with persons I really cannot reckon if I have met them. It is persons who have seen my inspirational articles and poems somewhere and decided to initiate a conversation. Am not amused by the initial recognition of my good art in which I boldly reply #NiJesus because all is for His glory. Am chatting with 3 girls whom I sincerely have not talked face to face to. It is funny that I don’t chat a lot with persons not on my contact list but with these girls conversations have been ongoing and have been so much interesting.
I thought that I was the only one who shared a lot about my life but this conversations left me in awe. I resolved that there are so many broken souls behind those plastic smiles, those fancy instagram accounts and those awesome dressing and makeup. I am startled by how these girls share a lot about them to a total stranger like me until a memory struck me. I remembered of how I prayed to God when I started seriously blogging spiritual matters on this platform about how I wanted Him to send people to me so that I can inspire them. That I can really talk to and share to them about my life which will in turn change their perspectives of life.
I have in the past hated myself and resented life for what it’s worth. More of this is found just in this blog. I never had friends, I never had someone to talk to. I never had a soul that I could give at least quarter of my burden to therefore all my problems were encapsulated to thoughts that drained my health leading to a struggle that makes me take pills daily for years that I cannot count. You can read my 10 year struggle with seizures here. I know what it means to feel worthless, what it really means to feel that you don’t deserve life and feel that you do not fit. I really can attest to how it really feels to sleep sad and wake up wishing that you were not alive to see another day. I thank Jesus for my current state of life. It is sweetly overwhelming.
People who feel worthless have this void in them. They have this feeling of emptiness that they yearn to fill. They have this thirst that cannot be quenched. Many result to drugs and alcohol, keeping many friends so that you can forget your problems, flaunting about what you do or what you have to raise your self esteem etc. The sad thing is that they will end up crying on their pillows hating their life but they remind themselves that they have to be strong because people know them as strong people not weak beings. They end up giving the widest smiles, funniest jokes and live to please other people. They live to show the world of what they are made of but deep inside, the world looks at them and shakes its head in amazement.
Sometimes the struggle becomes real and one decides to share. One decides that it is time no matter what but it becomes hard to be vulnerable to someone because they fear of what others might think or say of them. Again, living a life to please others, a life to prove a point: that am bold. This results to online research about their problems, about how they can solve all this by themselves, they get motivated by a quote or two which is usually shared in their timelines and inspirational graphics that fill up their social profiles but in a day or two they snap back into the sad moments of life. At most times people try religion after everything else has failed. They TRY to cast their burdens on a deity and they think that all this goes in a flash. Religion becomes a fall back plan.
It may or may not work. It happens that one reads the Bible for comfort, to find verses that please and uplift him. One reads the Bible not to understand it but to keep it close that God’s promises are real and will deliver Him from the pain or struggle that they undergo. The words Ahaziah, Eliphaz, Hophni and Phinehas become vocabulary but the affirmations in the epistles of ‘He chose us we didn’t chose Him’ ‘If God is for us’ and ‘He has delivered us from such a deadly peril’ become verses that they say upfront. The Bible and religion become solace to broken souls but not deliverance from a soul striving to walk in TRUTH and in SPIRIT.
Yes, I am speaking from experience. I am speaking from things I have done myself and a state that many are currently in. It is with this that I let my journey become a blessing to many. I believed that through writing about this and sharing with a broken soul like me, one will really KNOW that he/she ain’t the only soul undergoing this feeling of brokenness. I have been searching for peace in my heart for quite a long while and finally the void, the hollow dark pit in me was filled. I have learnt how to do stuff without thinking of what others would think about me, I have learnt how to maturely speak my mind, how not to let others take advantage of me without resulting to friction and how to minister and share more about my life. All this, Jesus. Not because I purposely wanted to fill that space then I revert to my ways, not because I took Jesus as a fall back plan again and again but because I gave my all. I knew I was broken and willing to stand my cause even though other ‘Christians’ would be against me.
There were times I would really feel worthless and think that the day I will have enough money I would be good. I would have that good lunch, nice hangout but nature will have a way to remind me that am nothing with my wealth, nature will have a way to intimidate me showing me that the word ‘enough’ doesn’t exist in my vocabulary. The secret to this is Jesus. Give your all and pray for guidance. Be vulnerable to someone i.e. after praying. God does wonders, it will shock you that the person whom you will be vulnerable to will need your advice as he/she will be more broken than you are. It doesn’t matter if you shared about how broken you are to a confidant, we are humans and sometimes we just need someone who listens even though they would not reassure that all will be okay. Let your bond with Jesus be so tight that He himself reassures you that it will be okay. Look around you, be an inspiration to others, know that beyond that fancy lifestyle you see, beyond those sweet smiles that extend to the cheeks, there are broken souls that need a listening ear and a word. What are you doing about it?
Am not an experienced therapist and neither am I a trained motivational speaker. I have no papers in clinical psychology but I have something more and great than all that. I have His love, I have His mercies and grace and inspirations that come from above. The Bible are my papers, my credentials. I can offer a listening ear and really share with anyone who undergoes turmoil in their life. Am open should you have undergone a life like mine, a cold heart who wouldn’t want to share their vulnerability to anyone. Email me at firstname.lastname@example.org or WhatsApp me +254722244844. Stop Googling your problems, start seeking guidance from above. And Christians, don’t just do those hangouts and Bible Studies, get deep into each other’s lives. I was still struggling when I was close to my pack of Christian friends.