By Renee Wangwe
It has officially become my new found home with no merry escape. I guess it’s finally time I stop fighting the system and actually settle in, finally unpack my bags and set up those lovely framed photographs of every incident that tore me apart.
Our beginning was unplanned. I watched you as you walked towards me with that damned rose. That rose that still lies amongst my stationary, that rose that made me question whether my melanin skin can actually blush. And when you shook me gently that night, urgently telling me how you ‘fell for me’, your eyes pleaded with mine to understand.
Sure enough, we didn’t last long, but then again who said the only theological reason for dating someone is to marry them? I willingly introduced you to my world. I let myself change to accommodate you and your flaws. I tip-toed around them and held back my comments because I didn’t want to come off as pushy. I acquired patience I didn’t know could exist.
I’ll never understand how I slowed down and decided not to push for a relationship and gave you time to ‘adjust’. I don’t think I’ll ever understand how you picked up your phone at around 4 in the morning and called me to tell me you love me. Neither will I understand the game you played when you called me your girlfriend. Or how two days before you saw me you claimed to be anticipating our reunion.
I guess my fear is being stuck here, loving you, as you move on and recreate what we had with someone else. I fear that you will be my forever, and I will remain your once upon a time. I’m eager to stop crying, stop drinking, stop drowning myself in novels and telling myself I am just fine.
I fear not being able to have this relationship with you. Funny how I want the one thing that’s bound to kill me emotionally.
They always say once you hit rock bottom the only way left to go is up. My up looks bleak without you. So I’m going to stay here a while and learn to be okay without you. After all, heartbreak isn’t such a bad home; I’m learning to appreciate this feeling. Next time I’ll know better.