Hey Siloma, have you tested the spirit? Is it from God? Have you prayed over it? How sure are you you will not be fulfilling your own desires? What is God telling you? These are some of the many questions I have to face whenever am hitting on a ‘Christian’ girl.
I rarely write about relationships but today I will write about a burning issue one that has overflowed my cup with disgust.
“Do you know why we fall for ‘guys in the world?'”
“No, I don’t”
“These people tell you what they intend to do with you from the word go. They will be open to you and tell you if it is sex they want.”
“So do you give in because they were ‘intentional?'”
“Noooo. What do you take me for?”
“What then are you trying to insinuate? You started a topic of how we ‘Christian’ guys beat around the bush and are hypocrites.”
“Yes you are, you pretend to be so holy, that you are cleaner and whiter than snow but when am alone with you, you want to devour me.”
“Your point exactly?”
“You guys are full of filth but inside you are just hypocritical liars who are not firm in their ground. It is better those who tell you outright they want to have sex with you.”
“So are you trying to say it is better for a rotten soul to smear you with dirt than a dirty soul who is trying to make themselves better?”
“Have a stand, do not be both cold and hot. Let me not see a good picture of you in church only to find of how much rotten you are?”
“So better those of the world?”
“Yes, a million times better.”
“So who is your ideal man?”
“Am waiting for my Boaz, one who is straight and fully aligns to the word of God. One who is intentional with me. One who makes Christ the master the head, one who has the mindset of Christ, one who takes care of his family, who is firm and rooted. One who strives to walk in the perfect path of salvation.”
“And where is this guy?”
“He is coming, am trusting God for him”
“So you want a perfect man? Where will you find him?”
“Noooo. Nobody is perfect. God will speak to me. He will show me the man and lead him to me. I will know he is the one.”
“Okay. All the best.”
It is always about relationships. Always about the perfect Boaz and the virtuous Ruth. Rules are set, no phone calls after 9.00pm, no visiting at each other’s house and talk what is strictly of God, what is holy and pure. Avoid topics of sex at all times.
What of those who are single? Test your spirit and God will speak to you. You will know she or he is the one. If he/she doesn’t have this or that attribute don’t have anything to do with them, they are filth. You cannot change people, it is only God who can change them, they will change at their own pace. You can’t mingle with them either, they will negatively influence you. So many rules are set upon this so called ‘Christian dating’ that it not only becomes quantum physics or rocket science but also a frustrating event of our lives where everyone loses it all in the quest of finding a Proverbs 31 woman or the Ephesians 5 man.
This is what happens as the quest of finding her becomes tougher; an old friend will call me up asking why I have been so MIA and I will openly say ministry took the best of me. She/he will then invite me to this party of someone I know. I will tell them that I don’t drink and will only do Del-Monte but I will hang’ around ‘them’ fully convinced that Jesus also mingled with the sinners. The sight of these people having fun, dancing, calling each other ‘bae’ will always remind me of the words ‘testing your spirit’ and ‘is it from God’. Grace will blink and she will have a keen interest in my isolation. She will try to be sweet and offer that warmth of ‘cheer up’ and I will slip and roll into the mud. Another will find a James who is so intentional with her, who will text her in the wee, who never quits appreciating and telling her how beautiful she is. She will say, ‘Well, he is such a nice guy only that he is into sex.’ She will then think of how of a good husband he will make and she will think she can change him only to find herself into this swamp of murk. The two of us, hopeless, guilty and in shame will run to the next love series sermon to be given ‘rules’ on how to ‘date’ and we will be shouting in the sermon, ‘Yeeees!’ ‘Tell them Passie!’ In these sermons we always pretend that we cannot find ourselves in such situations because we are like small gods who are truly sanctified and armed with the latest gear to flee.
I know many will not agree with me. Many church leaders will say am misleading many when I say that there is no absolute rule to getting my wife. Because it worked for you that doesn’t mean it will work for me. Your practices, your ways of handling temptations may not apply in my life. Instead of giving me explicit rules honeyed with the scripture, why don’t you share about your life so that I may get insight? Why not tell me to trust the Him in me who has made me perfect in my weakness? Why are you returning me to the law? To the yoke of self-imposed rules of how to mingle and interact with people? Why am I in captivity? Why meet her at the most public places because the first thought you have imposed on me is that something can happen? Why should the best opportunity present itself and am reminded that the two of us will fall? Why not tell me of how to fortify myself, strengthening my self-control?
Yes, she is no more, not the girl I used to know, not the girl I used to picture as my wife, why? It is always about, ‘What is God saying?’ ‘Has God responded?’ The many love sermons she attends to have ruined her and am always compared to that Boaz, that perfect man the speaker portrayed himself to be and ultimately Jesus, the son of God. I am not saying that God doesn’t speak to us but God speaks to us in different ways. Sometimes she hears a voice and she says ‘I don’t know, am getting a yes but maybe am just moved by feelings. Maybe it is not God.’ She will attend more love sermons where she will be trained on how to distinguish God’s voice and get more confused. She will have the rules at her hand and impacting scripture ready on her lips. And this is why she will still be unmarried in the next decade and live in fear that she is not finding her perfect man. She will then fake it all that she is fine and that she is married to Jesus but every single day she will cry herself off to sleep. It will then hit her that her friends are married off with kids living the life she really wanted to and that the perfect man was never there. This then happens; she might stray away from the faith or defile herself with young or old men because it will reach a time she is disappointed with God and she doesn’t really care.
As for me, I will hate the fact that I am still single at a relatively old age because I was looking for Miss. Right. I will grab the girl I used to have sex with in my dark younger years and because she now goes to church I will be convinced that she will make a good woman. We will portray a perfect marriage but infidelity will be the order of the day. Funny that the same girl who told me to test my spirit would be my concubine, all this because I was told that when you find the perfect one, your marriage will be perfect, I will have no regrets and I will live happily ever after. Yes, most of you think am negative and misleading. Most of you think am just writing from mere thinking unsupported by the scripture. The question I will ask you is, is this happening today? As Christians we love living in our perfect virtual world. In these love sermons, we are scared off that if we make a wrong move then that is the end of our lives, we are taught that we just have to listen to some voice and we will hit the point. We are taught that God will give us ‘the one’ and those are the people we will ultimately marry. We forget that we have a role to play in the relationship because when perfect Boaz meets the perfect Ruth that is equal to a perfect marriage, x+y=z right?
Hello love speaker, why not tell us about ourselves, how we can change our characters and follow counsel of the holy spirit at work in us. We are now tired of listening to your perfect relationships. It is always about you, your histories, your journeys and your salvation well stacked up with the scripture. Most of you start with, ‘Nobody is perfect, you will never get Mr. or Miss. Right and marriage life is not easy’ but y’all end up teaching of how perfect your relationships are and how others will be if we live by your rule book. Your congregations fill to the brim and everyone talks of how powerful it was, how they learnt a lot as they go apply your rules, you become the focal point. As the young try to mirror your life and your practices they fail miserably and get so much immersed in sin. In guilt they will return to your talks tagging along friends thinking that maybe last time they missed a mark and would want to make things right again. Sadly that becomes the cycle of their lives. Am I saying that you guys are ultimately wrong and that you are misleading many rather than helping them? No! Most of your teachings are right and make sense but sadly they are not PRACTICAL. Again, if it worked for you it may not always work for me. Know that your congregations are at the extremes – these people are very lonely, very guilty souls who are at the apex of their ministry but are deep in sin and are always in great fear of failing. Know that there are people there who see you as a small god, a small angel sent to them by God and they worship you, some openly say, ‘Mr. so and so said this and this and I want to have their perfect relationship.’ Tell us about your relationships so that we can learn from you, teach of what is practical and invest in getting the soul off the yoke but not the many rules that makes this dating thing a never-ending loop of trial and error because we missed a mark. Know that in your congregation, there are so many who have broken and are still breaking the rules, give this people solutions but do not insinuate them that everything is flawed. Am I speaking my heart out? Yes! Am I speaking from bitterness and pain? Absolutely! Why? – Am fearing that am about to die single 😆. Why? – Because courting these days is harder than living your childhood, living your dream, paying taxes and striving to be financially free. I have a lot to share Part 2 is on the way.