I thought, ‘Why should I not start this series because most guest posts I receive talk about love?’ I received this piece from a chic called Caren, trust me you will be as bewildered as I am.
I do not know what to title this piece so I will leave that to you.
Now I want to write a story, a true story, one that did not happen long ago, one that is still fresh as the knife cut my friend Shiks got while preparing Pilau yesterday. I do not know how most of will react to this so I have decided to use my name in place of the characters of this story.
I knew Eric Mash way back when we were still young, we had this unspoken bond, something that kept us close, unlike his elder brother who frankly sometimes acted too old for his age (I don’t know why people think that is a cool thing). He was gentle, fun loving, non-judgmental and ooh he was fine too! I used to call him Eric or Mash; Eric when I was being serious and Mash when I felt playful. Years went by and this bond grew stronger. I remember every time I traveled home for holidays I would see him and my heart would skip a beat. I felt like the 12 year old girl again and memories would come flooding back. My family had moved to Nairobi when we were young so I would only get to see him once a year during the December holidays. I would eagerly wait for those holidays with battered breath just to see that smile, his smile.
I finished my high school and begun exploring the world; meeting new people learning new things. No matter how many people I met (boys to be exact) Eric still topped the list of guys I would want to date. Immediately after clearing high school during the December holidays, I decided it was about time I made this transition from girl to woman the best way I knew how. I succumbed to peer pressure and decided to break my virginity. I thought I will do it with a friend, one I will have no strings attached to make it easier for me to move on and avoid the unnecessary heartbreaks. I had seen this with my other friends so I DID IT!
How I would describe it? Worst feeling I have ever; the pain, the blood, the guilt all wrapped up into one, but I HAD DONE IT! That night, lying in my bed I felt both exhilarated and sad and more of the latter because I had been raised in a Christian family. With Christian virtues, I knew that sex was only permissible in the confines of marriage. I thought I finally was a woman and what made me even more happy was the fact that next time I was going to meet Eric I would have something to offer. My life went by, I had different experiences with different guys and honestly the sex was horrible. I however kept doing it because I knew, rather, I had been told that that was what boys liked so I gave it to them.
Then the most amazing thing happened when Eric moved to Nairobi to study. I cannot explain what I felt the first time he told me he was in Nairobi. He texted me that night and I almost sneaked from home to where he was. I could not wait to see him, I could not wait to be with him. The following day, I came up with a good excuse to go visit him. I left home at around 10:00am, took the first matatu then the second, all this while thinking; what is going to happen once we meet? I am going to is place, will we have sex? Will it be good? Will I still like him after we have had sex? My thoughts were all over, I actually almost got hit by a car while crossing the road.
I arrived, he came to pick me at the stage, after almost two years of not meeting I saw him. He had baby-locks on with golden brown dye at the edges. He wore basketball shorts and a sleeveless T-shirt and he looked FIIIIINE! I could not wait to get to the house to taste his sumptuous lips. We got to the house and in the most subtle word I can gather, I will describe the experience as breathtaking, literally. I had the most amazing sex I have ever had. I could not believe it, he had it all, we had it all. This confirmed everything, that he was the one for me and we were perfect for each other. That night after leaving his place I could not sleep.
So I kept seeing him (P.S he had a girlfriend at the time), but did I really care? With this awesomeness, I would not mind sharing, we had sex countless times even when I was dating his producer (Ooh … I did not tell you he also sings) we still got it on. This went on for a year or more. I later moved to Eldoret for my university, sad that I was taken away from my Mash. I felt like an addict and the withdrawals were major. I had been so used to the sex that I thought I could not do without it. I had to find someone or something who could give me the same feeling, so I got into drinking, smoking weed and all. I still however needed my Eric, my life would not be the same again without him. I slept with a few guys but none of them could match up to what I had already been accustomed to. I would from time to time find a way of meeting up with Eric for our pleasure moments. Time went by; people came and went but my Eric had stamped his mark of love on me.
Then came this year, Eric was now saved and getting serious with his salvation. I loved him even more. Since he stopped partying and drinking he looked a million times better, irresistible. I had come home (Nairobi) for my long Holidays, we did not meet though, not until it was time to travel back to Eldoret. I left home early that Morning, I had talked to him. I was going to his place to spend the night before leaving for school the next day. I knew he was trying to stop having sex, I knew he was struggling with this addiction like I was but I told myself this was the last time it was going to happen. So I went to his place and had sex, I just expected to have the normal amazing sex but no, the sex was surreal, ecstatic and out of this planet. I ended up staying for two days, after which I left for Eldoret.
This is where the story gets a turn for the worst. I arrived in Eldoret and after a day or two I decided to do something I had never done. It was strange that I had never thought of doing it, keeping in mind my past and my bizarre experiences. I went to a VCT (Voluntary Counselling and Testing). My test results were…. POSITIVE!
I could not believe it, I had heard stories of HIV Victims but I never in a million years thought that one day I would test positive. My life came flashing before my eyes; I was reminiscent of the many times I had unprotected sex, the many sex partners I had, the many times I wanted to stop but couldn’t, and now this is what I got. I termed it as THE WAGES OF MY SIN. Immediately my thoughts turned to Eric, all I could thought about was, ‘I hope I have not infected my Eric, the love of my life. I hope I have not cut short his dreams and aspirations as I have done to mine.’
This gave me more grief, more grief than the realization that I was positive. The fact that in the pursuit to make him happy I might have ended his life. I cried countless times, my pillow was always soaked in tears. Two weeks ago, I gathered enough courage to call him and give him the news. I texted him then he called me. I could feel the shock in his voice coupled with the pain, disbelief and disappointment. He tried to sound strong, he being such a gentleman, he never shouted at me, he asked me a few questions and hanged up. Tears started rolling down my cheeks, I new that everything I had hoped for, my goals, dreams, ambitions were over.
I do not know why I have told you this story but in my brokenness Eric told me that the only reason he has been strong is because he knows that for everything that happens in life, God has a well curved out plan, a well-manicured solution to every problem, a well thought strategy for everything. All it takes is for us to trust Him, he has trusted Him with this situation that no matter what comes out of it, he understands that it is all for His good and pleasant will. This words keep me going.
I pray that when Eric goes to the VCT he will be negative. I pray that his life will not be ruined by me. I pray that he forgives me for causing him such hurt and pain. I pray that in all things he will remember me as not just a sex partner but a friend.
I WISH I HAD STUCK TO BEING HIS FRIEND. SEX RUINED ME.
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“There is a surrendering to your story and then a knowing that you don’t have to stay in your story.” ~ Colette Baron Reid
“When we share our stories, what it does is, it opens up our hearts for other people to share their stories. And it gives us the sense that we are not alone on this journey.” ~ Janine Shepherd
“Tears are words that need to be written.” ~ Paulo Coelho