I loved her, so much that I forgot to love me. She came first, top that I didn’t come second or third but last. She was my obsession, my drug, my addiction. She was my greatest, perhaps that will explain the self-hate that followed. This is the #LessonFromMyLoveLife
Craze whisked me when I first heard her voice. I was from that basketball game and was going to this hostel to say hi to a friend. Climbing the stairs I heard her voice, mellow like plucked strings of a harp. Her laughter was like harmony from the chipmunks. She was downstairs talking to some guy when my cousin told me, “She is mine” in which I replied, “Let’s see.”
Grace was a beauty, her voice complimented her choco-face and her playful self made her an addictive pet. A sweet, warm kitty that you wouldn’t resist its purr. She was of fine physique, with a unique sense of fashion and was always bountiful with fun stories. Her picture on my brain remains as vivid, the more I try not to think about her is the more I smile on her every thought. But what is the essence of love if it is short-lived? What is the essence of love if it brings man to trouble and tear? Ripping your every thought, dehydrating your every reservoir of calm, peace and joy?
I won her heart. I would do anything for her. I bent rules to please her. I had fear of losing her. I would do anything to keep her. I would take blame of things she did in the name of wanting to make matters right. She was a crazy party girl, one wild with clubbing and raving in the name of having a good time. She had crazier friends. She would go out with her friends while I remained in the house. Coins were not prevalent in my pockets so she understood that I was a pauper but she ‘loved’ me beyond all odds.
She was disciplined, she knew how to control her drinking and how she interacted with people. That’s why I was never worried when she mentioned about her BFF’s e.g. Davie, Marto, Frank etc. Above all, she was still a virgin. She also never wanted anyone to spend on her. She was this independent woman who never liked to be controlled. I was a tough one, I never kept friends. I never really did the love or dating thing. Friends who knew me told me that I had met my match and Grace was brainwashing me.
Grace was the queen of the house, even when she came on weekends, I would cook, do the dishes, clean the house, warm her bath as she sat on the couch watching or listening to latest music. Wait… Was I man enough? Names of male BFF’s started fading and female BFF’s took course. She would give me attributes of her female friends that would leave me startled. Though she completely said no to sex, I was patient knowing that I will marry her one day.
She never loved me anymore, she would get pissed no matter how I tried to please her. She treated me with hate and she would just need me whenever she needed something. Was there anyone else in her life? Why was she acting so weird? She would bark whenever I asked if she was fine. Should would not pick or reply to my calls and texts. We grew apart. They say men don’t get hurt in relationships but we do. I couldn’t cry, I wished to, just to get the thought of my sad love life going off my system.
I cleared campus and heard that she was working. I was trekking, sun burnt and roaming in circles depositing my CV into organizations’ desks. One day, a familiar number calls me, ‘Hey, there’s a guy I want you to meet, he will help you get a job.’
‘You treated me like crap, why are you calling me?’
‘Because you are a good person James.’ She hung up.
I wondered how a monster like that would one of a sudden be a good person. Though it took sometime, I landed on my first job through her help. Days churned into WhatsApp texts, voice notes, Skype and all other forms of social communication. ‘Is she truly the one I love? Is destiny awaiting our holy matrimony?’ I asked my confused self.
She visited at last, had that meal and she told me that she was ready.
She was still a virgin though she insisted that she wasn’t. She looked at me with wild eyes. The eyes directed to one who had taken away her innocence. She put on a fake smile and an after-action conversation, ‘What if I get pregnant?’
‘You won’t,’ I assured.
I was now feeling ecstatic, that I had finally cracked the Pandora’s box after 3 years of waiting. I was assured that it was her. That she would be my one and only. I loved her even more forgetting what I went through. A month later she called me telling me that she was pregnant. Scared, I convinced myself that this is what really means to become a man. I was ready to face any challenge that was to come, to raise the kid and do whatever it takes. She said ill words about me, hated me and never wanted to see me despite how many times I tried to get a platform to talk to her.
I later found out that she was never pregnant. She only feared that her cycle was broken after taking the after pill. She shut down. She changed her number. Every time I tried to contact her, she would speak very ill and change her number again. I finally stopped putting the pressure and let her be but inside I was empty, broken that I will never love another. I traced her friends but I realized she changed her friends too. It was sad that I came to learn much later that she was bisexual. Even when we were still dating. Now that a monster made her undergo the most scary thing in her life, she decided to become a lesbian.
I was guilty, guilty that being a monster I made her make serious life choices. I was sad that the person I truly loved is no more. That she won’t get back to sanity. That we would never get hold of each other again. I will never touch her, never hold her again and tell her that I love her nor kiss her assuring her that she will always be the one.
I got to know Jesus. What did I learn? Sexual immorality creates a deadlock to your past and future. It keeps pulling you back. No matter how much you want to move on, you will still remember your last sex partner. I loved Grace with all my body, soul and mind I didn’t think I would ever love another. Did she become my god? Did she become my idol? I learnt to be good to others. No matter how heartless, how gruesome and how ill-hearted people you find, keep no grudge in you, it wears you out by the day. Siloma asked me how I would react if Grace ever came back to my life and I told him that I would teach her more about someone who loves her most. Someone who really cares about her and that is Jesus. I sometimes pray for her that she may know Christ.
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